In a couple of days it'll be my baby's first birthday.

In a couple of days after that it'll be my firstborn's fourth birthday.  But he's not here to celebrate with us.  He was here for 9 weeks - a fleeting moment (which feels like only yesterday), but it was enough time  to fall deeply in love and it still hurts OH SO BAD.  I cry.  I'm spoilt.  There are heartbroken parents saying goodbye to their beautiful babies before they even take a breath.  I had nine weeks with mine.  Nine weeks of tumultuous roller coaster highs and low, low, lows... but nine weeks nevertheless.  Happy birthday for Saturday my treasured, sweet, tiny blonde Jayden-angel.  Mummy loves you always.

Happy birthday Joshua, my baby baby boy but so much bigger than your two big brothers.  Your giggle is just precious to wake up to.  The definition of cute is watching you push toy cars all over the house... ok so I'm just biased.  May your birthday be perfect, little one.  What a truly special 12 months it has been.  Mummy loves you always.

Post Script: Even though I have the living love every day of two wonderful boys, babies keep dying in the world and every one of them that I see/hear/read about pulls hard at my heart.  I can't stand that other parents go through this too.  Why do babies have to die?  How can that ever be part of "life"???

Yep, I guess I'm grieving again (still)....  it's ok, I'll be fine for the party in the weekend ;-)
x Meagan x