Just when I thought I was doing ok.

Jayden's 5th birthday has come and gone.  Sure, I shed a few tears and as usual, the lead up to the day was somewhat more difficult than the actual birthday itself (especially the fact that turning 5 is such a huge deal in every kid's life; not to mention the milestone it is for the parents - that doesn't change just because your child doesn't live here anymore!).  Having my youngest hit the Terrible Twos the same week kept me majorly distracted; which I definitely believe had it's blessings.

Only last week I admit to patting myself on the back and thinking "hey, I feel like I really am almost ok again - maybe I won't be sad forever.  Maybe I won't always cry when I think of my firstborn.  Maybe the gaping hole in my heart is bit by eeny bit getting smaller.

Then BAM!  Tonight I somehow ended up on the Premmie Angels website.  I don't even recall what I googled to get there - or why I was even looking.  How did a website for premature babies exist that I didn't know about?   I found my eyes transfixed to the tiny form softly nestled in the banner on the Premmie Angels home page.  An image oh so familiar; so close I could almost smell the hospital... and yet that faded, worn feeling of so long ago.  This was someone else's precious baby, not mine.  Although for a fleeting moment I could've sworn he was mine.  Instantly a fresh ache fell upon my heart.  My eyes watered, stung and down my face the tears flowed like the bursting of a dam.

So they weren't drying up after all.

Ni Night
x Meagan x